Several years ago, an extended family member of mine lost his wife to cancer. When Thanksgiving rolled around that year, he probably had more invitations than he could handle, including one for dinner at my house. Everyone was clamoring to ensure that he and his three teenaged children could take part in a “normal,” traditional family Thanksgiving. But he declined all the invitations and booked a vacation instead. “We’re getting away from the whole idea of the holidays this year,” he explained, and when Turkey Day finally came, he and the kids were sitting on a beach somewhere, politely opting out of tradition and the memories it might stir.
At the time, some people questioned whether he might regret taking the year off from the holidays, but it doesn’t seem to have done any lasting harm. In fact, he’ll be at my Thanksgiving table this year, taking part in what’s shaping up to be a very large, loud, pleasantly chaotic traditional meal. As I think about his story, and the stories of all the people I know who have taken some path to “opt out” of holiday traditions for a year or longer, it makes me wonder: What’s in a tradition, anyway, and how important are they? If we step away from the old ones, how do we start anew?
It feels like a timely question, since the past several years have brought a shift in the way families approach their holiday plans. We’ve observed rifts in relationships due to political and social challenges, alongside the usual life events that can disrupt things, like new marriages, job changes and moves, or just the passing of the hosting torch from one generation to the next. More people seem ready to hold firm to boundaries and say “No, thanks” to traditional expectations for a year or longer; but also, lately, I’ve seen signs of reconciliation, as some families who have been fractured decide they may be willing to give one another a chance again. So I asked Dr. Anne Fishel to share a bit about her thoughts on traditions and their importance to our holiday plans.
She explained traditions through the lens of rituals, which are pretty consistent in timing, place, and predictable elements, but also have some aspects that can change year to year. “Rituals like Thanksgiving provide an intergenerational thread,” she says, “as they remind us that we are part of something bigger than ourselves – for example, eating food that previous generations cooked, or telling stories about family members who are no longer there. It can be an opportunity for remembrance as well as gratitude.” Importantly, she reminded me that traditions provide us with a sense of stability and continuity, which can be especially important during times of stress or change.
But that doesn’t mean that we have to keep things absolutely the same from year to year. What about those times in life when we feel called to “opt out” or do something drastically different? “Many life events, both positive and negative, may prompt families to shift, amend, upend, or retire a longstanding ritual,” Dr. Fishel points out. “Keeping familiar rituals while accommodating change is a recurrent challenge that families will face over the life cycle.” She says that part of what makes our traditions meaningful is our ability to let them shift and adapt over time, meeting the constantly changing needs of our families. Dr. Fishel gives the example of her own family’s practice of incorporating something new into the familiar every Thanksgiving, by honoring the family recipes for turkey and sweet potatoes, but choosing at least one wholly new dish to try as part of the feast. “By always including something unfamiliar, I think we’re rehearsing for other more substantial changes to come,” she says. “Welcoming novelty is part of my family’s tradition.”
So if you’re looking to continue family traditions this year, it may be worth looking at things with a fresh eye and considering whether any small updates would make things feel even more fun and meaningful. If you’re returning to a family gathering after some time away, it’s okay to see how the old traditions feel to you and perhaps introduce something new to help mark this moment of change and adaptation. And if you’re seeking a whole new way of celebrating…well, that’s an opportunity to create tradition, too. “New and tradition are really opposite words, and only time will tell whether a new practice will become a tradition,” Dr. Fishel points out. But every tradition was just an idea, or a recipe, once. Half the fun is in discovering the ones that will last.
Looking for Thanksgiving inspiration? We’ve got a whole buffet at our Thanksgiving hub!
Food
A traditional Thanksgiving meal will likely be more expensive than usual this year. We’ve put together a list of budget-friendly recipe ideas you can make for under $3, $2, or $1 per person.
A Budget-Friendly Thanksgiving
Fun
One way to start a new Thanksgiving tradition is with friends! Get our free Friendsgiving Guide for food, fun, and conversation ideas you can use to create a memorable celebration.
Conversation
With the holidays approaching, alcohol may be a more frequent visitor at family meals. We invited Leslie Kimball from Responsibility.org to talk with us on the podcast about how parents can be a positive influence, and how we can harness the protective power of family dinners to reduce our kids’ risk of alcohol use.