In our fifteen years of work with families and communities, a lot has changed. We’ve seen the rise of smartphones and social media, rapid expansion of more professionalized youth sports (and the busy schedules that go with them), the turmoil of the COVID years, and so much more. But in the midst of all that change, some things about family dinners have remained the same.
Families still, maybe more than ever, want to carve out time to spend eating and talking with each other. Parents still grapple with common challenges like helping kids try a wider variety of foods. It’s still hard to juggle the planning, shopping, and cooking while also dealing with work, school, and extracurricular schedules. And the families who manage to make it work at least a few days a week usually say they find family dinners valuable. (Plus, the research continues to show that’s true: Even our happiness improves when we eat with others.)
Of course, it’s the “making it work” part that’s hard, and always has been. So we’re looking at some of the most common questions we’ve gotten from parents and caregivers over the years, to share our best answers about the “how” of family dinner. If you’ve got a question to ask, don’t hesitate to contact us – we’re always happy to help families connect over a meal!
Ask The Family Dinner Project: Food
My child is a picky eater. What should I do to encourage her to try different foods?
First, understand that it’s developmentally normal for most kids to go through some phase of rejecting foods, even ones they used to eat and enjoy. The best long-term strategy is for parents to model their own enjoyment of a wide variety of different foods. Serving food family style so kids can see the food on the table, but choose whether or not to put it on their plates, can help with exposure until they’re ready to taste. “Build your own” meals like salad bars, taco bars, personal pizzas, and rice bowls are also a big help so more adventurous eaters can have all the flavors and variety they enjoy, while cautious kids are able to pick what feels safe to them.
In general, the less said about what, how much, or how little is being eaten, the better! The worst strategy for “picky” eating is pressuring a child to try new foods, or restricting things they like in an effort to “force” them to eat something else. And don’t bribe with dessert, either – that’s just a different type of pressure. Research shows kids who are told they can have dessert if they eat their vegetables actually end up enjoying vegetables less, and eating less of them in the long run. Just keep serving a wide variety of foods without any kind of pressure, and remember, it can take 8-15 exposures to a new food before a child decides they’ll try it. Don’t give up!
All that said: Sometimes, “picky” eating can be a sign of something more serious. Check out these resources to help you determine whether your child’s eating habits are typical, or worth a deeper investigation.
Podcast Episode 4: Picky or Problematic?
When Picky Eating Might be Something More
Sensory Sensitivities at Family Dinner
Ask The Family Dinner Project: Fun
My family is driving me crazy with the phones at the dinner table. They can’t put down the screens for 10 minutes to eat a meal together because it’s “too boring.” How can I get them to stop? I feel like dinner isn’t “fun” enough to compete.
This is a common challenge, and there’s no easy answer! Figuring out how to draw the line with technology at the table looks different for different families. If you want to try a cold-turkey experiment, you can always set a no-phones challenge: Put the devices face-down in the middle of the table during dinner, and the first one to reach for it has to help with the dishes. In the meantime, making dinner fun enough to keep them from reaching will be its own challenge! We’ve got lots of dinner games you can try, or you can even bring a favorite card game, board game, or book to read aloud to the table to occupy everyone during the meal.
That said, sometimes the best way to beat them is to join them. Going phone-free with a really reluctant family can be a losing battle, so it might be worth trying to make the phones a part of your meal. Set some ground rules: The phones can stay, but only if they’re being used to help connect with the people at the table, not people away from the table. In other words, you can use them to settle a debate, look up trivia questions to ask, or show a photo or meme you want to share as part of the conversation; but you can’t text a friend or send a work email during dinner. And try suggesting some dinner games that put the phones to good use! We’ve got several on our Tech at the Table page. You could even pick one day a week to migrate dinner from the table to the couch and go full-screen with a family Dinner and a Movie night.
Ask The Family Dinner Project: Conversation
I feel like having a conversation at dinner is like pulling teeth. How can we get past the “fine,” “good,” “nothing,” “I don’t know” stage and actually talk to each other?
This is a really common challenge, especially as kids get older. Part of the answer involves asking yourself honestly whether you’re really trying to start a conversation, or grilling them. Often, because dinner makes kids a captive audience, parents turn it into an inquisition without meaning to: “Did you get that homework done? What grade did you get on the English test? Have you talked to your soccer coach yet? When are you going to clean your room?” That’s not the most welcoming conversation for tired, hungry kids! Save the managerial stuff for another time, and they might be more willing to tell you what’s on their minds.
The other part of the answer is to ask better questions. “How was your day?” or any similar kind of question is a fast track to a one-word answer. We’ve got 100 different ways to ask about the day that are designed to help kids (and adults!) open up. Those could be a great starting point, as is any question that’s open-ended and requires more than a “yes,” “no,” “good,” etc. to answer it properly.
If they’re still a bit reluctant, it’s often helpful to talk honestly about your own experiences. Maybe you could reveal something that was embarrassing or challenging, or ask older kids what they might do in a similar tricky situation. Presenting moral dilemmas or socially awkward situations for teens and tweens to offer their opinion can really spark conversation.
Get more one-line conversation starters here!
Food
Need some Build Your Own meal ideas? We’ve got a big list.
Fun
In honor of Black History Month, we recommend these family films for Dinner and a Movie.
Dinner and a Movie: Anti-Racism
Conversation
“I have a partner who feels dinnertime is time to eat and not talk. I do my best to see his perspective. Our littles have trauma related to foster care, so they tend to talk so much that it takes them over an hour to eat…Any suggestions?”
Listen to our answers in this special episode of The Family Dinner Project Podcast.